Suicide Sucks

I once again find myself putting pen to paper not knowing what I'm about to write but feeling the need to write something.

While on vacation I learned of a co-worker's death. It rocked me. Not because we were close, I haven't seen him in maybe three years. But because of the cause of death. He took his own life. Suicide has again shown up knocking at my door screaming "DON'T YOU FUCKING FORGET ABOUT ME!"

It's been 5 AND 1/2 years since my world was TRULY rocked when my girlfriend shot herself in the mouth just a foot away from me. It was a gruesome and horrific way to lose someone you love. Ironically I remember my deceased co-worker giving me his number during this awful time and telling me to call him if I needed someone to talk to and that maybe I could even come over to the house just to hang out. Now I regret not taking him up on that offer. He was a true gentleman and someone I think could have been a good friend. Could I have made a difference in his life? It seems arrogant to think that but who knows.  RIP M.C.

Suicide is a terrible way to lose someone. Its like throwing part grief and part guilt into a blender and mixing it up to create one fucked up emotional cocktail. Drink it down and get drunk with questions. Questions that are all just variations on the simple question of "why"?

Speaking of "why"? Why am I writing this? I don't know, but I guess I can try to give it some kind of purpose:

1. It can serve as a reminder to pray for this officer and his family.
2. To pray for all others that made the choice that their lives were not worth fighting to live another day.
3. Pray for all those left behind searching for answers to questions that can never be answered.
4. Pray for strength to those that may be close to giving up.

AFSP (www.afsp.org) is an awesome organization. Please consider donating or volunteering. Or heaven forbid if you need help, they are first and foremost in existence to fight suicide, contact them.

I think it was Phil Donahue who said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well my life totally sucked 5 and 1/2 years ago, truth be told my life has kinda sucked for a majority of it. But as my favorite Bible passage (and Triumph song) says "I have fought the good fight" and I have arrived at a place in life where things are pretty darn good. With hopes that the future will be even better. So I'm truly glad I hung in there!

Any questions, comments, or if you need someone to talk to feel free - Jim (708)945.1283

Ever More Midnight Jail Ramblings

The Lure of the Blacklands

I once again find myself in the land of the damned.  I set out for a hike much too close to it's borders.  I begin to daydream and I wonder into the territories of the Blacklands.  I know the way I came in but here the compass exists in deception, and the sign posts - they lie! 

I think I see a way out, but then my footings gives way.  I stumble and slice my forehead open on a jagged stone.  I slide on my side towards a steep cliff.  I grasp at a thorny weed growing from the razor's edge.  The tiny barbs enter my skin but I am grateful that it saves me from the rocky abyss below.

I regain my footing.  Hell is hot and sweat and blood cloud my vision.
I climb, I stumble, I climb, I tumble, I climb and I fall yet again.  My head again meets hard rock.  I lose all sight.  I panic, but then I think my sight has not served me well up until this point anyway.  I laugh.  The reality of this place falters at the sound.  Oh yes, this place does not like the sound of laughter.  It is like the sound of the judge's gavel as it screams guilty to the condemned man.  Laughter sounds like joy, and happiness.  Ugly, painful sounds.

I forget about my vision, my vision has always been shit anyway.  I open my heart to HIS vision.  I remember, that is why I am still here to "fight the good fight".  When I was blind he led me, and here I am again.  Blind, alone, and in need - he whispers "Follow MY vision son.  For I will lead you to victory over this land of lies".

Blah Blah I'm Stupid

Ok, so it's been awhile since I posted anything.  I have written in my journal so let me just get you up to speed.  Blah blah blah, I'm stupid, blah blah blah, I'm and idiot, blah blah blah ok you are all up to speed...

But seriously, back from our trip to Atlanta and our company convention, it was FRICKEN AWESOME!!!  The company went all out, and dropped some bombshells on us that were off the chart (yes I just said "off the chart").

And now about to take a trip to Dallas to hang out with the wife's family.  They are awesome people and I'm thinking Sue and I will be down there full time running our own office in about 8 months or so.

Here is some gratitude:
1. Grateful for my wife (without her there would be no gratitude journal)
2. A good night in jail (although I'm feeling flu-eey)
3. I have vacas scheduled for July, August and September!
4. Grateful for hope, continued clarity (for the most part), and a vision for victory!
5. My nose stopped bleeding (damn jail air)