Suicide Sucks

I once again find myself putting pen to paper not knowing what I'm about to write but feeling the need to write something.

While on vacation I learned of a co-worker's death. It rocked me. Not because we were close, I haven't seen him in maybe three years. But because of the cause of death. He took his own life. Suicide has again shown up knocking at my door screaming "DON'T YOU FUCKING FORGET ABOUT ME!"

It's been 5 AND 1/2 years since my world was TRULY rocked when my girlfriend shot herself in the mouth just a foot away from me. It was a gruesome and horrific way to lose someone you love. Ironically I remember my deceased co-worker giving me his number during this awful time and telling me to call him if I needed someone to talk to and that maybe I could even come over to the house just to hang out. Now I regret not taking him up on that offer. He was a true gentleman and someone I think could have been a good friend. Could I have made a difference in his life? It seems arrogant to think that but who knows.  RIP M.C.

Suicide is a terrible way to lose someone. Its like throwing part grief and part guilt into a blender and mixing it up to create one fucked up emotional cocktail. Drink it down and get drunk with questions. Questions that are all just variations on the simple question of "why"?

Speaking of "why"? Why am I writing this? I don't know, but I guess I can try to give it some kind of purpose:

1. It can serve as a reminder to pray for this officer and his family.
2. To pray for all others that made the choice that their lives were not worth fighting to live another day.
3. Pray for all those left behind searching for answers to questions that can never be answered.
4. Pray for strength to those that may be close to giving up.

AFSP (www.afsp.org) is an awesome organization. Please consider donating or volunteering. Or heaven forbid if you need help, they are first and foremost in existence to fight suicide, contact them.

I think it was Phil Donahue who said suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well my life totally sucked 5 and 1/2 years ago, truth be told my life has kinda sucked for a majority of it. But as my favorite Bible passage (and Triumph song) says "I have fought the good fight" and I have arrived at a place in life where things are pretty darn good. With hopes that the future will be even better. So I'm truly glad I hung in there!

Any questions, comments, or if you need someone to talk to feel free - Jim (708)945.1283

Ever More Midnight Jail Ramblings

The Lure of the Blacklands

I once again find myself in the land of the damned.  I set out for a hike much too close to it's borders.  I begin to daydream and I wonder into the territories of the Blacklands.  I know the way I came in but here the compass exists in deception, and the sign posts - they lie! 

I think I see a way out, but then my footings gives way.  I stumble and slice my forehead open on a jagged stone.  I slide on my side towards a steep cliff.  I grasp at a thorny weed growing from the razor's edge.  The tiny barbs enter my skin but I am grateful that it saves me from the rocky abyss below.

I regain my footing.  Hell is hot and sweat and blood cloud my vision.
I climb, I stumble, I climb, I tumble, I climb and I fall yet again.  My head again meets hard rock.  I lose all sight.  I panic, but then I think my sight has not served me well up until this point anyway.  I laugh.  The reality of this place falters at the sound.  Oh yes, this place does not like the sound of laughter.  It is like the sound of the judge's gavel as it screams guilty to the condemned man.  Laughter sounds like joy, and happiness.  Ugly, painful sounds.

I forget about my vision, my vision has always been shit anyway.  I open my heart to HIS vision.  I remember, that is why I am still here to "fight the good fight".  When I was blind he led me, and here I am again.  Blind, alone, and in need - he whispers "Follow MY vision son.  For I will lead you to victory over this land of lies".

Blah Blah I'm Stupid

Ok, so it's been awhile since I posted anything.  I have written in my journal so let me just get you up to speed.  Blah blah blah, I'm stupid, blah blah blah, I'm and idiot, blah blah blah ok you are all up to speed...

But seriously, back from our trip to Atlanta and our company convention, it was FRICKEN AWESOME!!!  The company went all out, and dropped some bombshells on us that were off the chart (yes I just said "off the chart").

And now about to take a trip to Dallas to hang out with the wife's family.  They are awesome people and I'm thinking Sue and I will be down there full time running our own office in about 8 months or so.

Here is some gratitude:
1. Grateful for my wife (without her there would be no gratitude journal)
2. A good night in jail (although I'm feeling flu-eey)
3. I have vacas scheduled for July, August and September!
4. Grateful for hope, continued clarity (for the most part), and a vision for victory!
5. My nose stopped bleeding (damn jail air)

Midnight Shift Ramblings

This is the offspring of a conversation I had with a coworker that turned into a chat about death and mortality.

The sun has set beyond the silent mountain vista

The world of lush green forest is now hidden in darkness

But above that darkness a different beauty appears

The once blue sky is now a velvet black filled with brilliant pinpoints of light

I am awed at the universe and its unimaginable size

I feel small, tiny, but at the same time joyous

I am but a grain of sand on a huge beach, a massive desert

But I am still a piece to that infinite jigsaw puzzle and

without me that puzzle can never be complete

This was originally going to be about my dad but it never really developed into being about him.  Instead it really is just saying that when one thing dies another is born.  Day gives birth to night and vice versa.  A beautiful landscape disappears in the darkness but it’s replaced by a brilliant starlit night.  Are living things like that?  Do we crossover into another plane of existence or do we just cease to be?

I used to think we were just a molecular accident, a strange brew of universal elements that bumped into each other to create the meat stew that is humanity.  Now I prefer to think of us as an example of the rule not an exception to it.  Day turns into night, winter into spring, I refuse to believe that we are some cosmic anomaly that simply turns to dust.

The last part just says we all matter.  No matter how we see ourselves, be it a grain of sand on the desert, a pebble or a bolder on a beach without us the universe (beach) is not the same.  Without us it is incomplete.

HOW DOES MILLER HIGH LIFE TASTE IN HEAVEN?

After an awesome week off work I’m back in jail.  Ironically enough while reading some bible passages I wondered across the following:

“My soul waits for the Lord more than Watchmen wait for the morning” Psalm 130

On this Saturday morning / Sunday night boredom reigns supreme over chaos in my little piece of hell.  I am that Watchman and I’m sorry to report that I have 401 minutes left until 7am.  God definitely has a sense of humor.

On a more serious note Sue and I took my mom to my dad’s grave site.  It was our first time there.  It was a beautiful sunny day, not too hot, not too cool. 

After some aimless wondering around Sue found dad’s final resting place.

Dad’s in a pretty nice spot, right by a tree, near enough to sometimes be in its shade far enough away so that he’s sometimes in the sun.  My sister comes out often so goodies were lined up by his headstone and at his feet.

We stood quietly none of us fighting off the tears that ran down our cheeks.  It was with a bitter sweetness that my ma broke the silence by telling dad his pool was open (again thanks to my Sis Marcie).  She then said “Ok Pa we’re going to go now”.  I said a quick prayer and with that our first visit was over, short and sweet (I’m sure just as dad would have it)

As we were leaving I hollered back to dad that next time we would bring him a beer and a cigarette.

Today’s lesson brought to you by the letter “P”

25 May 2011

Not sure where I heard this (Seinfeld maybe?).  The #1 fear people have is speaking in public, the #2 fear is death.  So if this is the case at a funeral more people would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy.

Last night I gave what’s called the “Company Overview” to potential new hires for the first time.  There were only two candidates but I didn’t practice the material like I should have so it didn’t go as well as I would have liked.  In fact I thought it went horribly.

I’m reassured by the fact that everyone says they stunk the first time and that usually it went better than they thought.

This presentation is one of the most important aspects of our business so I’m humbled and honored that the office VP’s have put their faith and trust in me to conduct the presentation.

The Candidates – the two candidates were both very sharply dressed and gave the impression that they might be awesome additions to our team.  They were both attentive and gave the appropriate answers to my questions.  The one difference between the two was in their body language.  One seemed to be getting bored and antsy during my talk.  I let it distract me and I rushed through the material and I wasn’t as loose or as light hearted as I would have liked.

Upon the end of our presentation I find out who would like to go onto the next step of the interview process.  One candidate did want to proceed the other did not wish to pursue a position with us.

I followed up with the guy that looked bored silly throughout my spiel.  He was the one that wanted to be scheduled for a follow up interview.  After I scheduled him we talked for a few more minutes.  He said the presentation was very interesting and we discussed some key points.

It’s amazing how he went from being a stuck up jerk in my mind when I felt he was judging me as a boring windbag, to a super smart, nice guy when I realized my knee jerk reaction about him was wrong.

Today’s lesson brought to you by the letter “P”

We are burdened with prejudice; against the poor, or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudice.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~ Author Unknown

Baseball, the Church and Beavis and Butthead

Last Thursday Sue and I attended a church outing to the White Sox game.  It was a good game but it was partially spoiled by three young men that somehow were planted in the center of our church's group of seats and specifically right behind our seats.  They were very loud and SUPER obnoxious.

Now as a former young, super obnoxious fan, I would not have paid these guys any attention had it been just me with a buddy.  But being there with my church group and my wife I was on edge.  I knew that if Beavis and the two Buttheads crossed the line it would be my responsibility as a peace officer to try to maintain the situation.  Luckily the little rascals got close but never crossed the line of being obnoxious fans to disturbing the peace.

I truly hate my job but for now it is my job, and with it comes a responsibility to the community.  For me it’s a struggle to know when to “announce my authority” (for lack of a better way to put that) in a situation and when to just let that situation play out.  There is really a fine line between flaunting your authority and shirking your duty.  I pray for my wisdom and my fellow officer’s wisdom in making these decisions.  I also pray for understanding from those that are not burdened with these decisions and therefore may have never considered the weight of these choices.

So I’m approaching my 7^th year anniversary at my job here at the county.  I’ve come to realize it is totally a job of contradictions.

There is only boredom and aggravation.  Fortunately I am easily amused so between reading, writing, and unauthorized computer usage I am quite good at battling boredom.  Aggravation on the other hand… not so much.

Fear is a bad thing. Like dogs and bees criminals can sense fear.  Do - not show fear or you will feed the fire.

Fear is a good thing.  Without fear there is bravado.  Bravado promotes carelessness, never a good thing.

Ode de le’ Sheethole

How can something so easy be so trying at the same time?

Work bordering on the mundane yet somehow stressful and tense

Fear is the enemy, but without it a different vulnerability shows

Without fear caution wanes and danger shows its teeth

An ugly mixture of security and insecurity pose like a runway model

Walking so gracefully but steps away from a twisted stumble

Fake confidence and pray that your act is believable

Hope that the aging man outside hides the child within

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness we often say

Go ahead perceive my inaction for cowardice, I know better

I don’t fear you; I only fear making the wrong move

So my choice is to wait- react not overreact

Back me into a corner or in defense of a comrade

I’ll fight for what I believe in, I won’t back down

And should I fall, I’ll go down swinging

Fighting the good fight and keeping the faith