(Un)Happy Anniversary!
So, on the 5th Anniversary of Monica’s suicide it seems like a no brainer that I would write about her. However, nothing with me is ever simple so here is the curve ball. I don’t miss her.
Am I a monster for feeling this way? For putting it out there in the Ethernet for the entire world to ignore? I hope not. I do still mourn her. I still feel sadness about not only her death at such a young age. But also for the pain she endured throughout her life.
Before I met Monica and for the brief time we were together I made some poor life decisions. As a couple we were a disaster. I was a mess, she was a mess. If anyone was going to save her from her path of self destruction it sure wasn’t me. I still feel guilt over that but the guilt has abated quite a bit. I can’t say I wish I had never met her because she changed my life. I couldn’t save her but I guess you can say she helped save me.
Maybe I should have changed this post to someone I’m grateful for. I can’t change the fact that Monica came into my life. But I can be grateful for it. I’m grateful that she decided not to take me with her before turning that gun on herself. I’m grateful for the path that I am now on. It took a violent shove but at least now I know I’m headed in the right direction.
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