Blah Blah I'm Stupid

Ok, so it's been awhile since I posted anything.  I have written in my journal so let me just get you up to speed.  Blah blah blah, I'm stupid, blah blah blah, I'm and idiot, blah blah blah ok you are all up to speed...

But seriously, back from our trip to Atlanta and our company convention, it was FRICKEN AWESOME!!!  The company went all out, and dropped some bombshells on us that were off the chart (yes I just said "off the chart").

And now about to take a trip to Dallas to hang out with the wife's family.  They are awesome people and I'm thinking Sue and I will be down there full time running our own office in about 8 months or so.

Here is some gratitude:
1. Grateful for my wife (without her there would be no gratitude journal)
2. A good night in jail (although I'm feeling flu-eey)
3. I have vacas scheduled for July, August and September!
4. Grateful for hope, continued clarity (for the most part), and a vision for victory!
5. My nose stopped bleeding (damn jail air)

Midnight Shift Ramblings

This is the offspring of a conversation I had with a coworker that turned into a chat about death and mortality.

The sun has set beyond the silent mountain vista

The world of lush green forest is now hidden in darkness

But above that darkness a different beauty appears

The once blue sky is now a velvet black filled with brilliant pinpoints of light

I am awed at the universe and its unimaginable size

I feel small, tiny, but at the same time joyous

I am but a grain of sand on a huge beach, a massive desert

But I am still a piece to that infinite jigsaw puzzle and

without me that puzzle can never be complete

This was originally going to be about my dad but it never really developed into being about him.  Instead it really is just saying that when one thing dies another is born.  Day gives birth to night and vice versa.  A beautiful landscape disappears in the darkness but it’s replaced by a brilliant starlit night.  Are living things like that?  Do we crossover into another plane of existence or do we just cease to be?

I used to think we were just a molecular accident, a strange brew of universal elements that bumped into each other to create the meat stew that is humanity.  Now I prefer to think of us as an example of the rule not an exception to it.  Day turns into night, winter into spring, I refuse to believe that we are some cosmic anomaly that simply turns to dust.

The last part just says we all matter.  No matter how we see ourselves, be it a grain of sand on the desert, a pebble or a bolder on a beach without us the universe (beach) is not the same.  Without us it is incomplete.

HOW DOES MILLER HIGH LIFE TASTE IN HEAVEN?

After an awesome week off work I’m back in jail.  Ironically enough while reading some bible passages I wondered across the following:

“My soul waits for the Lord more than Watchmen wait for the morning” Psalm 130

On this Saturday morning / Sunday night boredom reigns supreme over chaos in my little piece of hell.  I am that Watchman and I’m sorry to report that I have 401 minutes left until 7am.  God definitely has a sense of humor.

On a more serious note Sue and I took my mom to my dad’s grave site.  It was our first time there.  It was a beautiful sunny day, not too hot, not too cool. 

After some aimless wondering around Sue found dad’s final resting place.

Dad’s in a pretty nice spot, right by a tree, near enough to sometimes be in its shade far enough away so that he’s sometimes in the sun.  My sister comes out often so goodies were lined up by his headstone and at his feet.

We stood quietly none of us fighting off the tears that ran down our cheeks.  It was with a bitter sweetness that my ma broke the silence by telling dad his pool was open (again thanks to my Sis Marcie).  She then said “Ok Pa we’re going to go now”.  I said a quick prayer and with that our first visit was over, short and sweet (I’m sure just as dad would have it)

As we were leaving I hollered back to dad that next time we would bring him a beer and a cigarette.

Today’s lesson brought to you by the letter “P”

25 May 2011

Not sure where I heard this (Seinfeld maybe?).  The #1 fear people have is speaking in public, the #2 fear is death.  So if this is the case at a funeral more people would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy.

Last night I gave what’s called the “Company Overview” to potential new hires for the first time.  There were only two candidates but I didn’t practice the material like I should have so it didn’t go as well as I would have liked.  In fact I thought it went horribly.

I’m reassured by the fact that everyone says they stunk the first time and that usually it went better than they thought.

This presentation is one of the most important aspects of our business so I’m humbled and honored that the office VP’s have put their faith and trust in me to conduct the presentation.

The Candidates – the two candidates were both very sharply dressed and gave the impression that they might be awesome additions to our team.  They were both attentive and gave the appropriate answers to my questions.  The one difference between the two was in their body language.  One seemed to be getting bored and antsy during my talk.  I let it distract me and I rushed through the material and I wasn’t as loose or as light hearted as I would have liked.

Upon the end of our presentation I find out who would like to go onto the next step of the interview process.  One candidate did want to proceed the other did not wish to pursue a position with us.

I followed up with the guy that looked bored silly throughout my spiel.  He was the one that wanted to be scheduled for a follow up interview.  After I scheduled him we talked for a few more minutes.  He said the presentation was very interesting and we discussed some key points.

It’s amazing how he went from being a stuck up jerk in my mind when I felt he was judging me as a boring windbag, to a super smart, nice guy when I realized my knee jerk reaction about him was wrong.

Today’s lesson brought to you by the letter “P”

We are burdened with prejudice; against the poor, or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese.  It is natural to develop prejudice.  It is noble to rise above them.”  ~ Author Unknown

Baseball, the Church and Beavis and Butthead

Last Thursday Sue and I attended a church outing to the White Sox game.  It was a good game but it was partially spoiled by three young men that somehow were planted in the center of our church's group of seats and specifically right behind our seats.  They were very loud and SUPER obnoxious.

Now as a former young, super obnoxious fan, I would not have paid these guys any attention had it been just me with a buddy.  But being there with my church group and my wife I was on edge.  I knew that if Beavis and the two Buttheads crossed the line it would be my responsibility as a peace officer to try to maintain the situation.  Luckily the little rascals got close but never crossed the line of being obnoxious fans to disturbing the peace.

I truly hate my job but for now it is my job, and with it comes a responsibility to the community.  For me it’s a struggle to know when to “announce my authority” (for lack of a better way to put that) in a situation and when to just let that situation play out.  There is really a fine line between flaunting your authority and shirking your duty.  I pray for my wisdom and my fellow officer’s wisdom in making these decisions.  I also pray for understanding from those that are not burdened with these decisions and therefore may have never considered the weight of these choices.

So I’m approaching my 7^th year anniversary at my job here at the county.  I’ve come to realize it is totally a job of contradictions.

There is only boredom and aggravation.  Fortunately I am easily amused so between reading, writing, and unauthorized computer usage I am quite good at battling boredom.  Aggravation on the other hand… not so much.

Fear is a bad thing. Like dogs and bees criminals can sense fear.  Do - not show fear or you will feed the fire.

Fear is a good thing.  Without fear there is bravado.  Bravado promotes carelessness, never a good thing.

Ode de le’ Sheethole

How can something so easy be so trying at the same time?

Work bordering on the mundane yet somehow stressful and tense

Fear is the enemy, but without it a different vulnerability shows

Without fear caution wanes and danger shows its teeth

An ugly mixture of security and insecurity pose like a runway model

Walking so gracefully but steps away from a twisted stumble

Fake confidence and pray that your act is believable

Hope that the aging man outside hides the child within

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness we often say

Go ahead perceive my inaction for cowardice, I know better

I don’t fear you; I only fear making the wrong move

So my choice is to wait- react not overreact

Back me into a corner or in defense of a comrade

I’ll fight for what I believe in, I won’t back down

And should I fall, I’ll go down swinging

Fighting the good fight and keeping the faith

HELL

15 May 11 (Sunday night)

While at work tonight I thought I saw a reflection at the window of my jail tier.  When I turned to see who it was, there was no one there.  It seemed too quick for anyone to have gotten out of my field of vision.

This was quite creepy. I felt uneasy.  Jail – always a place where the negativity and bad vibes are so dense you can almost feel it on your skin.  To me this just seems like a place that should be haunted.

Really I’m pretty sure there is a simple explanation to what I saw (or thought I saw).  A trick of light fooling my tired, midnight shift retarded brain.  Maybe it WAS a co-worker and I didn’t turn as quickly as I thought I did.  Who knows?

But why isn’t this place crawling with ghosts if they do in fact exist?  I’ve been here for 7 years, working a majority of it on the midnight shift.  I have yet to experience a blood curdling story about a groaning shackled specter hovering in a darkened stairwell.  Or a pale spirit hanging from the upper deck’s rails “reliving” his last earthly act.

How about this for a wacky theory: maybe the type of souls that would choose to haunt the likes of County are quickly dispatched to hell.  They used up their allotted amount of tormenting others in this lifetime.  Ok all you rapists, murderers and thieves time to play Beelzebub Monopoly.  You have drawn the “GO DIRECTLY TO HELL” CARD.  Do not pass go do not collect $200, and no hiding in little Timmy’s closet.

I sought absolution a fraction of a second too late.

I expelled my last breath with contempt for that life, that world.

Little did I know what I thought was pain in life would be like a picnic compared to what was coming my way then.

The momentary darkness was obliterated, replaced by light.

Not a soft light filled with peace and joy, but a painful light of fire that burned first my eyeballs and then my brain.

I tried to scream but my mouth was melted shut.

He, It would not allow me to scream.  It wanted all the pain contained inside.

A scream was not a release It would afford me.

The pain was all consuming.

Every bit of me was engulfed in fire from the surface of my skin to the marrow of my bones.

This physical torment went on for what seemed an eternity.

Perhaps the Devil has limits or He just grew tired of my agony.

I was given a brief period of relief when the pain dulled from pure agonizing torture to a simple pain I would associate with having all your arms and legs cut off with a dull blade with no anesthesia.

What came next was a different kind of horror.

It was like living a dream, the worst nightmare imaginable.

I watched and sometimes participated as ungodly, gruesome acts were committed against everyone I ever loved.

If the physical torment he put me through felt like forever, this felt like forever and a day.

He, It has left me be for a second time.

Left me to wonder what is to come next, and the time after that, and the time after that…

30 Days + Good Behavior

Let’s finish this bee-yotch up!

So it’s taken just under 5 months to finish my 30 day blog challenge – but I finished it, and that my friends is something.

Reminds me of my favorite bible passage:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race.  I have kept the faith. ~2 Timothy 4:7

Let’s do a combo, shall we?

·         What’s in your wallet?  Wow, I won’t even pretend to be interested in writing this, so I will spare you my dear Harvey the Rabbit – VETO!!!

·         Photo of somewhere I have been to:

This is the location of one of my favorite, if not THE favorite vacation I have had (It was definitely with my favorite traveling companion).  The Occidental Excaret in Mexico.

·         Favorite TV show:  I guess my favorite show right now is “Breaking Bad” on the AMC (I think) Network.  If you have not caught it a brief synopsis is it’s about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer so he starts cooking crystal meth to make money to leave for his family.  Great show.

·         Something I never get tired of doing:  I truly love to do nothing.  I love to nothing on the beach.  I love to do nothing on the couch or bed watching TV.  I love doing nothing poolside.  I love doing nothing on a balcony overlooking something awe inspiring.  Kinda get where this is goin?

·         3 good things that have happened during the 30 blog challenge:

1)      I have started exercising again.  This is truly a must for both my physical and mental well being.

2)      I have set a date for me to quit my job – October 17, 2011.  I feel Sue and I have turned a corner in our business and I now TRULY believe that we can attain and that we deserve success.

3)      I’ve come to realize that everything happens for a reason.  County led to the worst thing to ever happen in my life, but if not for that horrible event the best thing that ever happened to me would never have come about.  My wife Susan who not only brings me joy in this life, but also gave me the belief that I can have everlasting joy and peace once my time on this world is up.

Peace.