Day 5: Tuesdays, Februarys and the joy of 42 (At this age I thought…)

Really?  Does anyone ever think about what they’d be or where they’d be at 40 – something?  It’s really a wasteland of an age.  You couldn’t be further away from being young and cool, and retirement seems like a distant oasis to a person lost in the desert dying of thirst.

40 something – it’s like Tuesday.  The previous weekend is already a fading memory and Friday seems like a world away.

40  something – it’s like February.  Christmas is over, New Years is over, and the Bears were blown out in the playoffs (prediction).  It’s cold and really March may have the official beginning of spring in it but really that month blows too.  April?  I’m sorry but you suck too!

So to answer this one I guess I’ll just say I never thought about 42.  But for a Tuesday in February it’s a pretty good day!

Day 4: The Perfect Date

I guess our perfect date would take place while Susy and I are on vacation in some tropical spot.  Maybe start off with some fun on a wave runner followed by some hammock time and maybe a nice siesta.

Then maybe a leisurely scenic motorcycle ride. 

Then a boat ride out to a private island for dinner.  I’m thinking a nice filet and lobster.

A barefoot walk along the beach.  Sit and relax awhile and listen to the waves crash onto the shore.

Hightail it back to our suite overlooking the ocean.  Make a little love, get down tonight – get down tonight.

From here I’d say go back down to the beach for a nice beach side show – but really I’m sure we’d just end up snuggling in bed and watching some TV before drifting off to sleep.

Wow!  Do you want to head somewhere warm as much as I do right now?  Think I’ll go check out Travelocity!

Day 3 - Stesses Me Out!!!

I guess I could say home repair, maintenance and remodeling stresses me out.

I'm truly horrible at these.  I really wish I'd spent more time with my old man in the garage and less time playing with my Barbie's when I was growing up (just kidding I didn't play with dolls when I was a kid - they were ACTION FIGURES!) 

I can remember trying to fix a flat on my bicycle tire when I was a kid and I literally came about a half inch from driving a screw driver into my eye and possibly into my brain.  That incident pretty much set the tone for my career as a handy man.

So right now at home I have a living room that has some holes in the wall that need to be repaired, and some paint touched up.  In the basement I have a ceiling tile about to come crashing down (yes my previous handy work).  We have a kitchen and a bathroom that are complete disasters.  Outside we probably have one of the top 3 worst lawns on the block, the landscaping needs some TLC.  The gutters need cleaning (yeah I'm afraid of roofs, I'm such a wuss!).  The porch and garage door needs painting.

OK yeah, even writing about it stresses me out.

In the words of Frank Costanza - SERENITY NOW!!!

Day 2 - Something I Ate Today

I've got to get out of this mode where I need sweets after or for every meal!!!

Day 1 (Picture and How I feel)

Physically – Well the bitter cold has kept me from my jogging routine.  That and the delicious cooking of my darling wife has me feeling… quite fat.  Other than that really no complaints (except for some prostate issues, but really who wants to hear about my prostate?).

Mentally \ emotionally – As I contemplated this I actually got a slight sensation of nausea in my gut.

This past weekend at church our minister wished my family a Merry Christmas even though he knew it would be a difficult one having just lost my father.

This and an approaching horrible anniversary date got me thinking about life and death.  For those of you that do not know me or do not know me well – a little over 4 years ago my on again off again girlfriend woke me up to watch her end her life by putting a bullet in her brain.  I often wonder if in the last few minutes of her bi-polar tormented life if she contemplated taking me with her.

I’m still sad that she ended her all too short life (29 years).  I’m still rocked by the occasional horrible dream of her.  But I’m thankful that she not only spared me, but in a way – saved me.

I’ve changed so much since that awful night.  With the help of God, friends and family (especially my wife Susy - the biggest blessing in my life) I’ll continue to grow and become closer to the man I want to be.

So in closing I invite you all to check out this website.  This organization is one of my favorite causes and helped me cope when I needed a reason to go on.  Please donate a few bucks if you have the means.

http://www.afsp.org/

God bless to you and yours and to all those you have lost.

R.I.P. –                 M.A.B. (1-19-06)

                            W.L.B.  (10-17-10)

I Stole This!!!

30 Day Blog Challenge

DONE - Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how you feel.
DONE - Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
DONE - Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect date.
DONE - Day 4 – At this age I thought that I...
DONE - Day 5 – Something that stresses you out
DONE - Day 6 – First 10 songs on your Ipod (Shuffled)

DONE - Day 7 – Something(one) you miss
DONE - Day 8 – Something you regret
DONE - Day 9 – Something you are looking forward to
DONE - Day 10 – Dream House
DONE - Day 11 – What's in your lunch bag?
DONE - Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
DONE - Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
DONE - Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
DONE - Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
DONE - Day 16 – Your favorite movie.
DONE - Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
DONE - Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
DONE - Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
DONE - Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
DONE - Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
DONE - Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
DONE - Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
DONE - Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your wallet?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
DONE - Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite tv show.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

I reserve the right to change up the topic, just as long as I blog (almost) everyday

Leaving our Mark on this Big Blue Marble

Good Morning,

I still have not heard whether or not I will be going to the day shift.  I look forward to hearing with great trepidation.

I truly have a love \ hate relationship with the midnight shift here at the jail.  We are still subject to asinine rules and regulations bordering on the ridiculous, but to a much lesser degree than that of the day and afternoon shift.

Monday night was just a great night when everything went smooth.  My – ahem… superiors did not feel the need to justify their existence by creating chaos.  The animals behaved.  It was just a good night.

7 am rolls around and I am relieved by a day shift officer that is definitely one of the top three most miserable people I’ve ever come in contact with.

Oh my god.  Was she always like this or did the day shift do this to her?  Come to think of it the top two miserable people were also day shift officers.

I’ve really tried to keep my life’s course in a positive direction.  I have in the past had a tendency to live life negatively so I’m sure you can understand my trepidation.

Here are some positives and negatives to my future situation whichever it may be:

Day shift positives – normal sleep cycle

Day shift negatives – more stress, more danger, longer day (traffic), worse days off, less seniority

Night shift positives – less stress, shorter day (traffic)

Night shift negatives – continued living in a state of constant jet lag, night shift is a proven negative to your health, if the dark circles around my eyes continue to get darker, and they continue to sink further into my skull I’ll be even uglier...

As you can see I’m heavy on the negatives in both instances.  I keep hearing “you should be happy you have a job".  "There are thousands of people out there that would kill for your job”.  Well I’m not, and they can have it.

I imagine between work and travel to and from one’s job a quarter of one’s life is spent.  That’s a lot of time spent miserable.  So people what should you take away from this bit of rambling?  When you look at it this way I hope you’d agree one would have to be totally hopeless or kind of silly not to explore other opportunities.  So keep your eyes open. 

Anywho… so it’s time to take a chance.  Get the hell out of Dodge.  Succeed or not – at least try.  Life sux living with regret.

So here’s to a rockin 2011, kickin ass for the rest of our lives and leavin our mark on this big blue marble!

JB

Tis the Season (even in jail)

Well it is December 12 and I have put lights around the roof of my home for the first time in my life!  On my first attempt I got the first string totally up before I realized I started with the wrong end of the strand of lights.  So off they came and back up the other way.  I grab the next string and find out the one strings prong is not compatible to the other's plug in thingy.  So I take that first strand off yet again and put up 2 compatible strings.  I did it with very few temper tantrums and I only almost fell off the ladder like 7, or 8 times.  And I must say the house looks pretty good all lit up.

Anyway I'm trying real hard to get the Christmas spirit and working in a jail is an easy way to keep things in perspective.  God is great.  Life is good, great in fact the 128 hours a week away from work.

So here are a couple of poems(?) I wrote during the past two Christmas seasons while I was bored at work in jail:

Not a creature was stirring except the roaches and rats
Lurking in dark corners as big as fat cats
My cell sure is cold on this chilly Christmas Eve
And my blanket is itchy, its the crabs I believe
So between the scratching I try to get some sleep
And dream of a new year and better company to keep
The guards are so mean and joke "enjoy your stay"
In the "Hotel California" with your cellies "Pookie" and "Ray Ray"
So I spend all my time with pimps, cons and thieves
Watching Bernie Mac on the "W - B"
I get so depressed and I start to lose hope
I pray for escape and to not drop the soap
Or maybe the judge will grant me parole
And save whats left of my poor man bung hole
But I know its far fetched and I'll be off to the pen
To meet Leon or Bubba and be his girlfriend
My cellie's wish for Christmas - some shampoo and a shank
He's in for 20 for robbin a bank
Me Santa, I have but one wish
Please don't make me some murderer's bitch
So Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight
And stay out of Jail - you'll all be all right!

______________

For Christmas I received no gifts, for New Years no bubbly

I got pinched on Thanksgiving so I'm looking at 10 to 20

When I was a boy I had a rebellious heart

Mom and Dad knew I was trouble from the start

The difference between good and evil I gave little thought

Because nothing was wrong unless you got caught

Then as I aged the Devil took control

A world full of booze and drugs stole my soul

My strong will was shattered – my future sunk

Now I sleep next to a toilet on a cold steel bunk

Please don't pity me – Alas I chose my path

Now for all of my sins I await God's wrath

So think of me as you ring in the New Year

Be happy – be healthy – God bless and take care.

Happy Holidays Everyone

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I'm a little Fishy inna lil Fishy Bowl

So here I am, a little fishy in my little fish bowl watching the cats (inmates) watch me.   I can tell they want to scoop me up, grind me up, and swallow me up like a pounce kitty cat treat.  The only thing stopping them is the punishment they will receive from their owners (catch a new case for aggravated battery to a peace officer).

Here on the night shift they just implemented a program to save money on breakfast trays.  Whichever inmate that wishes to eat must come out of their cell and eat in the common area.  Whoever stays in their cell does not receive a tray.  Tension is very high among staff and the inmates regarding this new procedure.  If you could see these trays I’m sure you would agree that they can’t cost anymore than 50 cents per tray.  So far I’ve averaged saving the county about 3 trays a day.  I find it despicable that a savings of $1.50 per day is more desirable than my safety.

I just placed 32 bids for the day shift.  I’m totally on the fence as far as hoping I get days.  I REALLY, REALLY HATE IT HERE; I REALLY, REALLY HATE THE NIGHT SHIFT.  But I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY (WELL YOU GET THE POINT) HATE IT HERE ON THE DAY SHIFT.

The shit going down on the street with police officers being killed has not gone unnoticed here in jail.  Political correctness and the popularity of liberal thinking has really swung the balance on the scales of justice in the favor of the criminal (I write this as a former liberal thinker).

The public is quick to cry police brutality when an officer makes a decision to use force (be it lethal or non lethal i.e. taser).  This is tantamount to Monday morning quarterbacking.  We all know the play that would have scored the winning TD after the coach blows the game.

I invite everyone to watch this video.   It is a simple traffic stop that ends with the execution of the police officer caught on the cruiser’s dashboard camera.  As you will see the officer is extremely slow to use force to protect himself.  Ironically this officer was just counseled by his superiors for being too aggressive.  I’m sure that meeting played a part in this officer’s death.

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/80915656/

So civilians before you are quick to judge please put yourself in that officer’s shoes.  It aint no joke out there and there are a lot of scumbags that will sooner throw gasoline on a burning officer than piss on him to put out the flames.

Officers keep in mind that we are under a microscope.  Know when to stop pummeling people.  Cameras are everywhere.  Don’t beat the shit out of a female that you outweigh by 100lbs because she won’t serve you anymore.  Respect the people you have sworn to protect.  Respect the badge.  Respect yourself.

Gobblee Gobble

It’ll be a strange and sad turkey day for us Bigecks - first holiday without Pops. Let’s hope we can all just be thankful for the many years we got to spend with him. Anyway - Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!

Holiday Vow

I vow to enjoy this holiday season and not allow outside influences to hinder my celebration of God, my family and friends. I promise to reflect on all that is good in my life and not dwell on life's inevitable pitfalls. I will remember that life is not about how many times we fall, but how many times we pick ourselves up and keep on keepin on.

Ditching the Darkness

So its 01:20am and here I sit in the county jail. The animals are burning god knows what, cooking god knows what. It smells like what I imagine the ghettos in Slumdog Millionaire smell like.

I hate this place. It’s late. I wish I was home next to my beautiful wife in our nice warm bed. I just buried my father. I’m super worried about my mother. I’m a depressive personality. I should be depressed.

Well I just took a deep breath of this obnoxious, recycled, burnt rubber / plastic smelling air and thought… I love life. I’m healthy. I’m happy. I’m hopeful. I may be failing at inspiring others but I’m inspired. I’ve decided to take a “stand beside me, behind me or get the hell out of my way” attitude. I’m tired of allowing my environment to dictate how I feel. I’m tired of mediocrity. I’m smart. I’m caring, and deserving. There is no reason why I cannot find success! If this sounds like you - talk to me. Maybe I can help. If not and you just think I’m full of s#!t that’s fine too. But you’ll never truly know until you learn for yourself.

If I have wronged you in the past – I’m sorry. If my actions of the past have caused you to think less of me, well there is really nothing I can do about that. It took a gruesome, world changing bullet to the brain event – but I’ve been delivered. While I still have the clown nose and big shoes, I don’t always wear them. All I want is for people to see me for who I am and not for whom I once was. For the past 5 years I have not been perfect but I have grown and I plan to continue to improve.

So to steal from Dr. King – Throughout it all I’ve had a dream. The flame may have flickered but it never died. Now I live to feed the fire. I pray that if you ever had a dream that you keep searching. I also hope that you search with YOUR eyes, YOUR ears, and YOUR heart. Yours are the only senses that you can truly trust.

DAD'S EULOGY

Imagine witty improv comments here...

Good morning everyone, we are all gathered here today to celebrate the life of my dad, Bill Bigeck. Dad was born on April 2, 1934 and died a few minutes into October 17, 2010.

I remember thinking in the days leading up to dad's death - "I hope dad doesn't die on my birthday."

Well October 17th is no longer just my birthday, it's the day my father passed away.

My first reaction was dismay, but as I contemplated it a little more it wasn't so bad. In fact it's kind of nice. For as long as I live - every year I celebrate, thoughts of my dad will be a part of every birthday.

Thoughts like how hard that man worked to provide for his family. Going to work, driving that truck through this crazy city day after day - The traffic, the sweltering summers, the brutal winters.

Or trying to save a few bucks by replacing an engine in our car himself in the garage.

Let me tell you about my dad, the groundskeeper. I loved to play baseball when I was a kid. Dad wasn't the manager or even a coach of my team. That just wasn't his thing. What he did do was take care of the field a few weeks out of the season. I remember him busting his tail on that park, and I'm proud to say that that field was always in the best shape of the year on weeks that my dad was in charge.

So I take comfort knowing that after all these years of hard work my father was finally able to truly rest on October 17,2010.

Dad, I mourned your death on my birthday this year. But for every future birthday I will not mourn your death. But I will celebrate your life.

We love you Pa!